Hurple Hoopla

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

My Totally True Adventure With The Leprechaun

When I woke up, this morning, showered, had some breakfast, little did I know just how odd my day would soon become.

My commute from home to work is about 25 minutes. That is not bad, actually. It gives me a little time to prepare myself for the workplace, and in the afternoon gives me a few moments to prepare for the shift to home life. Today, however, I got no time to prepare for anything that was to happen.

As I was driving, at about the halfway point between work and home, I spied something up ahead by the side of the road. It was just a small flash of green, oddly human-shaped green. I slowed my car to get a better look. What I saw was what looked to be a small little man, he couldn't have been more than 5 inches tall, wearing a goofy-looking green outfit, with a goofy-looking green hat. I hit the brakes and my car screeched to a halt beside the little green man. I got out of the car and peered over at him.

"About time ye got here," he said.

"huh?" I answered.

"Ye're the human that answers to 'hurple' on the internet, aren't you?" I could hear the quotation marks around my nickname as he said it.

"Um, yeah."

"Then ye have the experience in things odd and unusual that we need right now."


He sighed, "My race... The leprechauns. We're in trouble. If something isn't done, immediately, the entire race could be wiped out. We read of ye'r struggles against the Skwuggles and ye'r adventures with Deathy Mouse. We think ye can help. We need ye."

"Ah. That was 10 years, 10 pounds and 10,000,000 lost hairs ago."

"Come with me."

"And it was all just fiction."

"Come with me."

"I knew I never should have archived all that crap." I resigned myself to my fate and walked over to the small man. The top of his hat nearly reached the height of my knee. "Hey," I suddenly thought aloud, "What if I hadn't stopped?"

"Ye would have. One way or another," he replied with a mischievous glint in his eye.

With that the small man leapt up to my shoulder. I turned my head to look at him sitting there. He pulled a long wooden pipe from his green overcoat and started smoking. When I looked back toward the landscape, it had changed. Suddenly, even though I am a devout non-drinker I had the craving for consuming large quantities of alcohol.

"You transported us to Ireland, didn't you?" I asked.

"Aye," was his only response as he took another puff from the pipe.

"Where are the potatoes?" I asked.

The leprechaun hit me on the head with his pipe. "Don't be smarky," he said.

He leapt down from my shoulder and started off down a small path through the countryside. He turned and beckoned me to follow. I did.

We traveled through a field and over a stream and presently came to the edge of a thick forest. He led me inside and over to a large tree. At it's base was what looked to be a rabbit hole. "Here 'tis," he said, motioning toward the hole.

"I'll never fit in there," I replied, and suddenly I was standing in a dark, dank, cramped cave. My head very nearly scraped the roof of the cavern.

"Now we be inside," the leprechaun said.

"Okay, let's get this over with. What am I supposed to do to save the entire leprechaun race?"

"Ah," he puffed the pipe again, "hold on a bit while I find it." He began rummaging through a nearby cabinet pushed against one of the cavern walls.

After a short while he perked up, "Aha! Here we go." He handed me a light bulb.

"What's this?"

"A light bulb, doofus."

"What do I do with this?"

"Replace the one over there that's burnt out."

I walked over to the place he had indicated. The light socket was just above my head height, the bulb hung down so that the bottom of it was at my eye level. I removed it from the socket and screwed the new light back in. Suddenly, the cavern chamber burst into light.

"Okay, now what?" I asked.

"That 'twas all."

"That's it?!? You drug me from Illinois to Ireland for that?"


"You couldn't do that yourself?"


"Why not?" I was incredulous.

"No ladders."

"So, you stop me, feed me some overdramatic story about the 'end of the leprechaun race' and transport me halfway around the world for that?"


"Why not just buy a ladder?"

The last question seemed to make him angry. "Buy a ladder? God's green people do NOT buy ladders! BEGONE!"

And I was standing beside my car again. My cell phone started ringing. I answered it. It was my wife.

"Where have you been? I've been trying to get in touch with you for fifteen minutes."

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

And so it went...


Post a Comment

<< Home