Hurple Hoopla

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Archival story - Heath & Melissa vs the Mighty Skwuggle Empire!

It's a bit noticable that I have yet to find my voice, or my muse, as far as this Blog-thing goes. So, to mark time while I decide what direction to go with my posts, I thought I'd post an old story, and introduce everybody to the Mighty Skwuggle Empire!

This post has been slightly updated from the original, as a gift to someone special.

And it starts... here:

This past Saturday, Melissa and I decided to meet at 4 PM at Stones River Mall, Murfreesboro's excuse for a grand shopping experience (yeah, right). Great, right? Well, little did we know that the evil alien race known as the Skwuggles (from the planet Skwuggi, naturally) had chosen that exact time to launch an invasion of Earth. And, also, little did we realize that they had chosen Stones River Mall as their ground zero.

Luckily, I happened to have my Neato-Keen, Super-Cool, Anti-Skwuggle Pocket Blaster (tm) with me. But, unfortunately I had forgotten to bring along the Wild And Wacky Ultra-Compact Thermo Nuclear Power Supply (tm) pack for the blaster (oops). Thank goodness Wal-Mart carries NKSCASP Blaster supplies in their 'housewares' section, and, also, thank goodness there was a Wal-Mart in this mall.

While all around us was confusion and panic, I grabbed Melissa's hand and together we quickly made our way through the crazed throng of patrons trying to get away from the alien balls-of-fur and their deadly foot-tickler rays. Our passage was made simpler by the fact that Melissa had had the forethought to bring along both her Really-Not-So-Bad-Smelling Skwuggle Repellent (tm) and her Throng Be Gone Spray Gun (tm). Finally, after what seemed like hours (but was actually 45 seconds), we were inside Wal-Mart, in the housewares section staring at the empty space that had once contained the WAWUCTNPS packs. They were sold out. It seemed we were out of luck, not just Melissa and I, but also the entire planet.

Then she had an idea and quickly relayed it to me. Would it work? I wasn't sure, but at that point anything was worth a try. We darted back to the hardware section and gathered our supplies. Then, after a quick stop by the candy section, we got in the check-out line. As usual, we got behind a little old lady, who I'm sure is really sweet in everyday life, but was buying a ton of merchandise and paying for it by counting out pennies, one-at-a-time (Don't you hate it when the fate of the planet is at stake and you wind up behind someone like that?). After a wait that seemed to be days (but was actually 1 minute 36 seconds) we were outside assembling our own makeshift Thermo Nuclear Power Supply pack, which, when finished, I hot-wired to my blaster. Then, I loaded up the reactor with Snickers Bars (nothing better for causing atomic reactions), and, finally, we were ready for action!

Since the Snickers Bars contained more atomic energy than the blaster's usual power supply, we quickly fought our way through the town; eliminating what seemed like millions of Skwuggles (but was actually 110) along our way. After awhile we passed an O'Charley's restaurant, so we stopped for dinner. Our waitress was very friendly, if somewhat artificial (Hmm, could she have been a robot from the planet Moglaphat trying to infiltrate our planets food chain? I guess that's a story for another time). The catch-of-the-day was Trout, so we both ordered chicken.

After dinner, we continued our fight with the horrible, furry, mindlessly evil (but still kinda cute in a way) Skwuggles. The battle raged fierce and long and by the end all of Murfreesboro, especially Stones River Mall, was completely devastated. But, the planet was safe. We had defeated the alien menace. And, the cleaning bill for my clothes was only $5.67, not bad really.

Then we went to a movie.

The End...

For now.


  • You really really are a story teller. And they say that I have interesting and goofy stories.

    By Anonymous Ohm Dr, at 3:59 PM  

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