New Bible Chapter Discovered

Archeologists in Syria have found a previously undiscovered biblical text in a jar buried in a cave. It is the Book Of Disclaimers. Here it is in it's entirety:

1. The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental.


2. Void where prohibited.


3. Some assembly required.


4. Batteries not included.


5. Contents may settle during shipment.


6. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied.


7. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.


8. Postage will be paid by addressee.


9. Apply only to affected area.


10. May be too intense for some viewers.


11. For recreational use only.


12. If condition persists, consult your physician.


13. Freshest if eaten before date on carton.


14. Subject to change without notice.


15. Times approximate.


16. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States.


17. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.


18. Colors may, in time, fade.


19. Slippery when wet.


20. Post office will not deliver without postage.


21. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform.


22. Penalty for private use.


23. Avoid contact with skin.


24. Sanitized for your protection.


25. Employees and their families are not eligible.


26. Not recommended for children.


27. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only.


28. Your mileage may vary.


29. Terms are subject to change without notice.


30. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law.


31. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat.


32. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to repair them yourself, but return to an authorized service center.


33. Parental advisory - explicit lyrics. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised.


34. Keep away from sunlight.


35. Keep away from pets and small children.


36. Safety goggles may be required during use.


37. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use.


38. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit.


39. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added.


40. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician.


41. Allow four to six weeks for delivery.


42. Warranty does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.).


43. Other restrictions may apply.


44. No animals were hurt in the creation of this item.