Hurple Hoopla

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Robert Asprin 1946-2008

I just read that Robert Asprin died on May 22. Count me in as a fan of the series of "Myth" books that he authored. Each chapter of each book opened with a humorous fictional quote. In tribute, I'll post some of them here.


"There are things on heaven and earth, Horatio, Man was not meant to know." - Hamlet

"Things are not always as they seem." - Mandrake

"The only thing more reliable than magik is one's friends!" - MacBeth

"Careful planning is the key to safe and swift travel." - Ulysses

"Only constant and conscientious practice in the Martial Arts will ensure a long and happy life." - B. Lee

"Attention to detail is the watchword for gleaning information from an unsuspecting witness." - Insp. Clouseau

"Is there anything in the universe more beautiful and protective than the simple complexity of a spider's web?" - Charlotte

"In times of crisis, it is of utmost importance not to lose one's head." - M. Antoinette

"To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader." - Capt Bligh (ret.)

"Man shall never reach his full capacity while chained to the earth. We must take wing and conquer the heavens." - Icarus

"One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people." - G. Khan

"First impressions are of major importance in business matters." - J. Pierpont Finch

"The secret of winning the support of large groups of people is positive thinking." - N. Bonaparte

"A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time." - Tevye

"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby." - R. Hood

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." - T. Edison

"The wonders of the ages assembled for your edification, education and enjoyment - for a price." - P. T. Barnum

"No matter what the product or service might be, you can find it somewhere else cheaper!" - E. Scrooge

"By perserving over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at his chosen goal or destination." - C. Columbus

"With the proper consideration in choice of allies, victory may be guaranteed in any conflict." - B. Arnold

"One must deal openly and fairly with one's forces if maximum effectiveness is to be acheived." - D. Vader

"This is another fine myth you've gotten me into!" - Lor L. and Har D.

"Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned." - D. Graeme

"Ya gotta be subtle!" - M. Hammer

"Just because you've beaten a sorcerer, doesn't mean you've beaten a sorcerer." - Toth-Aamon

"A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end." - F. Schubert

Myth Conceptions (1980)

"Life is a series of rude awakenings" - R.V. Winkle

"First impressions, being the longest lasting, are of utmost importance" - J. Carter

"Ninety percent of any business transaction is selling yourself to the client" - X. Hollander

"If the proper preparations have been made and the necessary precautions taken, any staged event is guaranteed success" - Ethelred the Unready

"...Eye of newt, toe of frog..." - Believed to be the first recipe for an explosive mixture... The forerunner of gunpowder

"That's entertainment!" - Vlad the Impaler

"Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician" - G.A. Custer

"Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit" - Teresias

"There is more at stake here than our lives" -Col. Travis, Alamo Pep Talk

"One need not fear superior numbers if the opposing force has been properly scouted and appraised" - S. Bull

"Should old acquaintance be forgot..." - Count of Monte Cristo

"This is no game for old men! Send in the boys!" - W. Hays

"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce" - Henry VIII

"We're looking for a few good men" - B. Cassidy

"I'll worry about it tomorrow" - S. O'Hara

"Myth-conceptions are the major cause of wars!" - A. Hitler

"Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior" - Hun, A.T.

"Just before the battle, Mother, I was thinking mos of you..." - Sonny Barker

"What if they gave a war and only one side came-" - Lucifer

"Chain of command is the backbone of military structure and must be strictly obeyed" - F. Christian

"It takes a giant to fight a giant" - H. Prym

"Hell hath no fury like a demon scorched" - C. Mather

"What is this, a Chinese fire drill?" - Sun Tzu

"...and then I said to myself, 'Why should I split it two ways-'" - G. Mouser

"Is everybody happy?" - Machiavelli

"All's well that ends well" - E.A. Poe

Myth Directions (1982)

"Dragons and Demons and Kings, Oh my!" - The cowardly Klahd

"When old friends get together, everything else fades to insignificance." - War, Famine, Pestilence and Death

"That's funny, I never have any trouble with service when I'm shopping." - K. Kong

"'Weird' is a relative, not an absolute term." - Baron Frank N. Furter

"Noting is impossible. Anything can be accomplished with proper preparation and planning." - Ponce De Leon

"Now you see it, now you don't." - H. Shadowspawn

"A friend in need is a pest." - Fafhrd

"Once more into the breach..." - Zarna, the human cannonball

"War may be hell ... but it's good for business!" - The association for Merchants, Manufacturers and Morticians

"Old heroes never die; they reappear in sequels" - M. Moorcock

"What do you mean, 'You've got a little job for me'?" - Hercules

"Out of the frying pan, into der fire." - The Swedish Chef

"If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, baffle them with bullshit!" - Prof. H. Hill

"As any magician will tell you - Myth Directions is the secret of a successful steal." - D. Henning

"--Or was it unlock the safe then swim to the surface?" - H. Houdini

"...and then the fun began." - N. Bonaparte

"I'm sure we can talk things out like civilized people." - J. Wayne

"What's the point-spread on World War III?" - R. Reagan

"Why should I have to pay a troll just to cross a bridge?" - B. G. Gruff

"What are friends for?" - R. M. Nixon

"We've got an unbeatable team!" - Sauron

"No matter what the game, no matter what the rules, the same rules apply to both sides!" - Hoyle's Law

"Life is full of little surprises." - Pandora

"This contest has to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen." - H. Cosell

"If you can't win fair, just win!" - U. S. Grant

"Winning isn't the most important thing; it's the only thing!" - J. Caesar

"Ask not for whom the bell tolls --" - M. Ali

Hit or Myth (1983)

"There's something to be said for has to be said because it's unprintable!" - A. Einstein

"When things are blackest, I just tell myself 'cheer up, things could be worse!' And sure enough, they get worse!" - Skeeve

"Once a knight, always a knight, But once a king is once too often!" - Sir Bella of Eastmarch

"Duty: A fee paid for transacting in good(s)." - U.S. Dept. of Commerce

"The only thing worse than a sorcerer is a sorcerer's apprentice." - M. Mouse

"Good information is hard to get. Doing anything with it is even harder!" - L. Skywalker

"There is no counter for a spirited woman except spirited drink." - R. Butler

"Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you!" - Y. Arafat

"I don't know why anyone would be nervous about going to see royalty." - P. in Boots

"Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into negotiations." - G. Patton

"Tell you what. Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you...." - Beelzebub

"I'm making this up as I go along!" - I. Jones

"Marriage, being a lifelong venture, must be approached with care and caution." - Bluebeard

"Some farewells are easier than others." - P. Marlowe

"In a war against organized crime, survival is a hit or myth proposition." - M. Bolan

"It's always easier to destroy than create." - Any general, any army, any age.

"The best laid plans often go fowl." - Wile E. Coyote

"Life can be profitable, if you know the odds." - Ripley

"These blokes need to be taught to respect their superiors." - Gen. Cornwallis

"Figure the last thing you would expect the enemy to do, then count on him doing precisely that!" - Richelieu

"Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!" - V. Dracula

Mything Persons (1984)

"Reputations are fine up to a point. After that they become a pain!" - D. Juan

"Success often hinges on choosing a reliable partner." - Remus

"Reliable information is a must for sucessful planning." - C. Columbus

"It is useless to try to plan for the unexpected . . . by definition!" - A. Hitchcock

"To survive, one must be able to adapt to changing situations." - Tyrannosaurus Rex.

"An agent is a vampire with a telephone!" - Any editor

"I don't see anything thrilling about it!" - M. Jackson

"My colleauges and I feel that independents like ElfQuest are nothing but sheeps in wolves' clothing!" - S. Lee

"What's wrong with a little harmless crime once in a while?" - M. Blaise

"Nice jail. Looks strong." - H. Houdini

"For the right person, the impossible is easy!" - Dumbo

"I've never seen so damn many indians." - G. A. Custer

"Relax, Julie. Everyone will understand." - Romeo

"Everybody needs a career manager!" - Lady MacBeth

"Don't be fooled by appearances." - Malloy

"The trail's got to be 'round here somewhere!" - D. Boone

"I didn't come all this way to sit out the fight!" - R. Balboa

"All right, pilgrim. This is between you and me!" - A. Hamilton

"There's no accounting for taste!" - Colonel Sanders

Little Myth Marker (1985)

"The difference between an inside straight and a blamed fool is callin' the last bet!" - B. Maverick

"Kids? Who said anything about kids?" - Conan

"I'm doing this for your own good!" - Any establishment executioner ... or any parent

"A doll is a doll is a doll." - F. Sinatra

"Such stuff dreams are made of." - S. Beauty

"Bring the whole family ... but leave the kids at home!" - R. McDonald

"There's a time to fight, and a time to hide out!" - B. Cassidy

"What did I do wrong?" - Lear, Rex

"They never let you live it down. One little mistake!" - Nero

"A Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!" - L. Borgia

"I belive we're under attack." - Col. Travis

"No one should hide their true self behind a false face." - L. Chaney

"Your Majesty should pay attention to his appearance." - H. C. Anderson

"Sometimes luck isn't enough." - L. Luciano

"I need all the friends I can get." - Quasimodo

"I thought we were friends!" - Banquo

"Shut up and deal!" - F. D. R.

"Cast your fate to the winds." - L. Bernstein

"Can't you take a joke?" - T. Eulenspiegel

"Sow what else is new?" - W. Cronkite

M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link (1986)

"Petty crime is the scourge of business today." - D. Lorean

"It all hinges on your definition of 'a good time'!" - L. Borgia

"It's all a matter of taste." - B. Midler

"If you're too busy to help your friends, you're too busy!" - L. Iacocca

"What fools these mortals be." - Smaug

"Not everything in life is funny." - R. L. Asprin

Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections (1987)

"Nobody's seen it all!" - Marco Polo

"They don't make 'em like they used to!" - H. Ford

"It's not even a nice place to visit!" - Fodor's Guide To Perv

"Taxis are water soluble" - G. Kelly

"I just need to pick up a few things" - I. Marcos

"There's no place like home!" - H. Johnson

"...On the street where you live" - Quote from an anonymous extortion note

"There's never a cop around when you need one!" - A. Capone

"...You gotta start somewhere" - S. McDuck

"All financiers are not created equal!" - R. Corman

"How come I get all the hard questions?" - O. North

"HOLY BATSHIT, FATMAN! I mean..." - Robin

"Who? Me, Officer?" - J. Dillinger

"Parting is such sweet sorrow" - Figaro

"Easy credit terms available..." - Satan

"You can judge the success of a man by his bodyguards!" - Prince

"Bibbity... bobbity..." - S. Strange, M.D.

"'M' is for many things she taught me..." - Oedipus

"I am not a crook!" - Any crook

"Were you looking for me?" - Dr. Livingstone

M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION (1990)

"What am I doing here?" - Any recruit, any army

"What do you mean my characters talk funny?" - D. Runyon

"We want to make you feel at home!" - L. Borgia

"Just a little off the top!" - A. Boleyn

"Squeeze, don't jerk, the trigger" - R. Rogers

"When I travel, nobody knows me ... and I like it that way!" - S. King

"Boards don't hit back!" - B. Lee

"To Serve and Protect..." - Traditional motto of protection rackets

"It takes one to know one!" - Jack D. Ripper

"Manners are acquired, not inherited!" - S. Penn

"Now, here's my plan!" - R. Burns

"That's why the lady is a tramp!" - B. Midler

"It sure looks to me like a big night tonight!" - Arthur, Rex

"Weren't you expecting me?" - J. Rambo

"You countermanded me on whose authority?" - Pope John

"An army travels on its paperwork!" - J. Carlson

"So what's wrong with following established procedures?" - M. Gorbachev

"Ya gotta speak the language" - N. Webster

"Has anybody got a plan?" - G.A. Custer

"We must hurry... It's almost over!" - P. Fogg

"I want a rematch!" - M. Tyson


  • There seem to be a few mythspellings here and there (other than of course the obvious substitution). Were they in the original or in someone else's transcription that you copied, or is it your own doggone fault? ;)

    Off-topic: Can I get a bit of a debrief or brain dump from you regarding your stint as a broadcasting mogul? A friend of mine is trying to break into the music business as a country artist with progressive lyrics, for places where they like country but not necessarily the Charlie Daniels kind of jingoistic lyrics. That puts him kind of in the Americana / alt-country bracket, and since that was your programming, I thought you might have some insight.

    Email me at kelli217 at that there Gmail thingy, please?

    By Blogger Kelli, at 1:28 AM  

  • Not my Mythspellings. I did steal those from a few different websites (thus the different formatting that I couldn't get to change... durnit!) so I blame them.

    By Blogger Hurple, at 7:37 PM  

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