Robert Asprin 1946-2008

I just read that Robert Asprin died on May 22. Count me in as a fan of the series of "Myth" books that he authored. Each chapter of each book opened with a humorous fictional quote. In tribute, I'll post some of them here.

ANOTHER FINE MYTH (1978)

"There are things on heaven and earth, Horatio, Man was not meant to know." - Hamlet

"Things are not always as they seem." - Mandrake

"The only thing more reliable than magik is one's friends!" - MacBeth

"Careful planning is the key to safe and swift travel." - Ulysses

"Only constant and conscientious practice in the Martial Arts will ensure a long and happy life." - B. Lee

"Attention to detail is the watchword for gleaning information from an unsuspecting witness." - Insp. Clouseau

"Is there anything in the universe more beautiful and protective than the simple complexity of a spider's web?" - Charlotte

"In times of crisis, it is of utmost importance not to lose one's head." - M. Antoinette

"To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader." - Capt Bligh (ret.)

"Man shall never reach his full capacity while chained to the earth. We must take wing and conquer the heavens." - Icarus

"One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people." - G. Khan

"First impressions are of major importance in business matters." - J. Pierpont Finch

"The secret of winning the support of large groups of people is positive thinking." - N. Bonaparte

"A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time." - Tevye

"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby." - R. Hood

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." - T. Edison

"The wonders of the ages assembled for your edification, education and enjoyment - for a price." - P. T. Barnum

"No matter what the product or service might be, you can find it somewhere else cheaper!" - E. Scrooge

"By perserving over all obstacles and distractions, one may unfailingly arrive at his chosen goal or destination." - C. Columbus

"With the proper consideration in choice of allies, victory may be guaranteed in any conflict." - B. Arnold

"One must deal openly and fairly with one's forces if maximum effectiveness is to be acheived." - D. Vader

"This is another fine myth you've gotten me into!" - Lor L. and Har D.

"Since prehistoric man, no battle has ever gone as planned." - D. Graeme

"Ya gotta be subtle!" - M. Hammer

"Just because you've beaten a sorcerer, doesn't mean you've beaten a sorcerer." - Toth-Aamon

"A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end." - F. Schubert

Myth Conceptions (1980)

"Life is a series of rude awakenings" - R.V. Winkle

"First impressions, being the longest lasting, are of utmost importance" - J. Carter

"Ninety percent of any business transaction is selling yourself to the client" - X. Hollander

"If the proper preparations have been made and the necessary precautions taken, any staged event is guaranteed success" - Ethelred the Unready

"...Eye of newt, toe of frog..." - Believed to be the first recipe for an explosive mixture... The forerunner of gunpowder

"That's entertainment!" - Vlad the Impaler

"Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician" - G.A. Custer

"Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit" - Teresias

"There is more at stake here than our lives" -Col. Travis, Alamo Pep Talk

"One need not fear superior numbers if the opposing force has been properly scouted and appraised" - S. Bull

"Should old acquaintance be forgot..." - Count of Monte Cristo

"This is no game for old men! Send in the boys!" - W. Hays

"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce" - Henry VIII

"We're looking for a few good men" - B. Cassidy

"I'll worry about it tomorrow" - S. O'Hara

"Myth-conceptions are the major cause of wars!" - A. Hitler

"Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior" - Hun, A.T.

"Just before the battle, Mother, I was thinking mos of you..." - Sonny Barker

"What if they gave a war and only one side came-" - Lucifer

"Chain of command is the backbone of military structure and must be strictly obeyed" - F. Christian

"It takes a giant to fight a giant" - H. Prym

"Hell hath no fury like a demon scorched" - C. Mather

"What is this, a Chinese fire drill?" - Sun Tzu

"...and then I said to myself, 'Why should I split it two ways-'" - G. Mouser

"Is everybody happy?" - Machiavelli

"All's well that ends well" - E.A. Poe

Myth Directions (1982)

"Dragons and Demons and Kings, Oh my!" - The cowardly Klahd

"When old friends get together, everything else fades to insignificance." - War, Famine, Pestilence and Death

"That's funny, I never have any trouble with service when I'm shopping." - K. Kong

"'Weird' is a relative, not an absolute term." - Baron Frank N. Furter

"Noting is impossible. Anything can be accomplished with proper preparation and planning." - Ponce De Leon

"Now you see it, now you don't." - H. Shadowspawn

"A friend in need is a pest." - Fafhrd

"Once more into the breach..." - Zarna, the human cannonball

"War may be hell ... but it's good for business!" - The association for Merchants, Manufacturers and Morticians

"Old heroes never die; they reappear in sequels" - M. Moorcock

"What do you mean, 'You've got a little job for me'?" - Hercules

"Out of the frying pan, into der fire." - The Swedish Chef

"If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, baffle them with bullshit!" - Prof. H. Hill

"As any magician will tell you - Myth Directions is the secret of a successful steal." - D. Henning

"--Or was it unlock the safe then swim to the surface?" - H. Houdini

"...and then the fun began." - N. Bonaparte

"I'm sure we can talk things out like civilized people." - J. Wayne

"What's the point-spread on World War III?" - R. Reagan

"Why should I have to pay a troll just to cross a bridge?" - B. G. Gruff

"What are friends for?" - R. M. Nixon

"We've got an unbeatable team!" - Sauron

"No matter what the game, no matter what the rules, the same rules apply to both sides!" - Hoyle's Law

"Life is full of little surprises." - Pandora

"This contest has to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen." - H. Cosell

"If you can't win fair, just win!" - U. S. Grant

"Winning isn't the most important thing; it's the only thing!" - J. Caesar

"Ask not for whom the bell tolls --" - M. Ali

Hit or Myth (1983)

"There's something to be said for relatives...it has to be said because it's unprintable!" - A. Einstein

"When things are blackest, I just tell myself 'cheer up, things could be worse!' And sure enough, they get worse!" - Skeeve

"Once a knight, always a knight, But once a king is once too often!" - Sir Bella of Eastmarch

"Duty: A fee paid for transacting in good(s)." - U.S. Dept. of Commerce

"The only thing worse than a sorcerer is a sorcerer's apprentice." - M. Mouse

"Good information is hard to get. Doing anything with it is even harder!" - L. Skywalker

"There is no counter for a spirited woman except spirited drink." - R. Butler

"Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you!" - Y. Arafat

"I don't know why anyone would be nervous about going to see royalty." - P. in Boots

"Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into negotiations." - G. Patton

"Tell you what. Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you...." - Beelzebub

"I'm making this up as I go along!" - I. Jones

"Marriage, being a lifelong venture, must be approached with care and caution." - Bluebeard

"Some farewells are easier than others." - P. Marlowe

"In a war against organized crime, survival is a hit or myth proposition." - M. Bolan

"It's always easier to destroy than create." - Any general, any army, any age.

"The best laid plans often go fowl." - Wile E. Coyote

"Life can be profitable, if you know the odds." - Ripley

"These blokes need to be taught to respect their superiors." - Gen. Cornwallis

"Figure the last thing you would expect the enemy to do, then count on him doing precisely that!" - Richelieu

"Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!" - V. Dracula

Mything Persons (1984)

"Reputations are fine up to a point. After that they become a pain!" - D. Juan

"Success often hinges on choosing a reliable partner." - Remus

"Reliable information is a must for sucessful planning." - C. Columbus

"It is useless to try to plan for the unexpected . . . by definition!" - A. Hitchcock

"To survive, one must be able to adapt to changing situations." - Tyrannosaurus Rex.

"An agent is a vampire with a telephone!" - Any editor

"I don't see anything thrilling about it!" - M. Jackson

"My colleauges and I feel that independents like ElfQuest are nothing but sheeps in wolves' clothing!" - S. Lee

"What's wrong with a little harmless crime once in a while?" - M. Blaise

"Nice jail. Looks strong." - H. Houdini

"For the right person, the impossible is easy!" - Dumbo

"I've never seen so damn many indians." - G. A. Custer

"Relax, Julie. Everyone will understand." - Romeo

"Everybody needs a career manager!" - Lady MacBeth

"Don't be fooled by appearances." - Malloy

"The trail's got to be 'round here somewhere!" - D. Boone

"I didn't come all this way to sit out the fight!" - R. Balboa

"All right, pilgrim. This is between you and me!" - A. Hamilton

"There's no accounting for taste!" - Colonel Sanders

Little Myth Marker (1985)

"The difference between an inside straight and a blamed fool is callin' the last bet!" - B. Maverick

"Kids? Who said anything about kids?" - Conan

"I'm doing this for your own good!" - Any establishment executioner ... or any parent

"A doll is a doll is a doll." - F. Sinatra

"Such stuff dreams are made of." - S. Beauty

"Bring the whole family ... but leave the kids at home!" - R. McDonald

"There's a time to fight, and a time to hide out!" - B. Cassidy

"What did I do wrong?" - Lear, Rex

"They never let you live it down. One little mistake!" - Nero

"A Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!" - L. Borgia

"I belive we're under attack." - Col. Travis

"No one should hide their true self behind a false face." - L. Chaney

"Your Majesty should pay attention to his appearance." - H. C. Anderson

"Sometimes luck isn't enough." - L. Luciano

"I need all the friends I can get." - Quasimodo

"I thought we were friends!" - Banquo

"Shut up and deal!" - F. D. R.

"Cast your fate to the winds." - L. Bernstein

"Can't you take a joke?" - T. Eulenspiegel

"Sow what else is new?" - W. Cronkite

M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link (1986)

"Petty crime is the scourge of business today." - D. Lorean

"It all hinges on your definition of 'a good time'!" - L. Borgia

"It's all a matter of taste." - B. Midler

"If you're too busy to help your friends, you're too busy!" - L. Iacocca

"What fools these mortals be." - Smaug

"Not everything in life is funny." - R. L. Asprin

Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections (1987)

"Nobody's seen it all!" - Marco Polo

"They don't make 'em like they used to!" - H. Ford

"It's not even a nice place to visit!" - Fodor's Guide To Perv

"Taxis are water soluble" - G. Kelly

"I just need to pick up a few things" - I. Marcos

"There's no place like home!" - H. Johnson

"...On the street where you live" - Quote from an anonymous extortion note

"There's never a cop around when you need one!" - A. Capone

"...You gotta start somewhere" - S. McDuck

"All financiers are not created equal!" - R. Corman

"How come I get all the hard questions?" - O. North

"HOLY BATSHIT, FATMAN! I mean..." - Robin

"Who? Me, Officer?" - J. Dillinger

"Parting is such sweet sorrow" - Figaro

"Easy credit terms available..." - Satan

"You can judge the success of a man by his bodyguards!" - Prince

"Bibbity... bobbity..." - S. Strange, M.D.

"'M' is for many things she taught me..." - Oedipus

"I am not a crook!" - Any crook

"Were you looking for me?" - Dr. Livingstone

M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION (1990)

"What am I doing here?" - Any recruit, any army

"What do you mean my characters talk funny?" - D. Runyon

"We want to make you feel at home!" - L. Borgia

"Just a little off the top!" - A. Boleyn

"Squeeze, don't jerk, the trigger" - R. Rogers

"When I travel, nobody knows me ... and I like it that way!" - S. King

"Boards don't hit back!" - B. Lee

"To Serve and Protect..." - Traditional motto of protection rackets

"It takes one to know one!" - Jack D. Ripper

"Manners are acquired, not inherited!" - S. Penn

"Now, here's my plan!" - R. Burns

"That's why the lady is a tramp!" - B. Midler

"It sure looks to me like a big night tonight!" - Arthur, Rex

"Weren't you expecting me?" - J. Rambo

"You countermanded me on whose authority?" - Pope John

"An army travels on its paperwork!" - J. Carlson

"So what's wrong with following established procedures?" - M. Gorbachev

"Ya gotta speak the language" - N. Webster

"Has anybody got a plan?" - G.A. Custer

"We must hurry... It's almost over!" - P. Fogg

"I want a rematch!" - M. Tyson