New Release List
Wolfgang Peterson actually has set out to redefine the genre – by merging the action/adventure/disaster film with a wholly educational experience teaching you everything you ever needed to know about surviving a disaster at sea. Here’s what I learned:
1) In the event of an emergency do not, I repeat, do not heed the advice of the captain or person of authority nearest you. They will only get you killed. They clearly have no clue what to do under dangerous circumstances of any kind, and while willing to die for their profession, are only eager to do so if they can take as many people with them as possible.
2) Once you have avoided the advice of the aforementioned authority figure, seek out the nearest adventurous white person you can find. They’ll know what to do. Little Known Fun Fact: White men are actually given special classes in disaster training (usually during high school), and should always be trusted in these matters.
3) It is important that you buffer out your group with people that will force you to travel as slow as possible. Traveling too fast is dangerous. Always travel with more than you think you should. Women with small children are great for this, as are the already injured and the drunkest passengers you can find.
4) The trip out of danger is an extremely perilous one, and as a result, many of your group will die. It is important to include as ethnically diverse a party as possible to ensure the survival of any or all white passengers. (see rules number six and 10 for special Richard Dryfuss rules.) Little Known Fun Fact: Minorities possess special magnetic properties that draw the nearest dangerous implement of death towards them. The thicker the accent, the stronger the attraction. They are also friendly, eager to please and, understanding their special properties, are always willing to “Take on for the team.”
5) If you are a white male planning on surviving the trek through disaster it is important to secure guaranteed poon for the long wait for rescuers. If you are single, this is most easily accomplished by locating the nearest single MILF and rescuing her child as often as possible – no matter how rarely the kid deserves it.
6) Never, ever, leave a minority alone with Richard Dryfuss. It will only end badly.
7) No matter how strong, intelligent or liberated a woman is, in a disaster she will always be reduced to a helpless blubbering mass of tears. It is important that you save them as often as possible (see rules 3 and 5.)
8) Single fathers in the group with daughters secretly engaged to guys they don’t approve of will always choose to “Armageddon Out.” Just let them go, as they will somehow find a way to go anyway.
9) For the sake of speeding things up, it is important to have a single person in the group that can carry the burden of having more pathos than anyone else. This will serve to make everyone else’s problems seem trivial and allows you to only have to yell at one person for the entirety of the trip. Asthmatic, Autistic, Folk Singer Sudanese refugees or Overweight, Dyslexic, Pedophilic Social Misfits work best, but a Suicidal Gay Jewish Architect will work in a pinch.
10) Seriously. I can not stress this enough. Never, ever, leave a minority alone with Richard Dryfuss.
If these rules are too complex, just remember this simple rhyme: When in doubt, follow the white men out.